Yep, one of those nights...

Once a pony time, in the land of the broken-hearted, there was a lonely girl.

I'm not sure if I've always hidden who I really am, or if this is something that happened over the past few years, but the truth is that I am lonely, and have been for a really long time. I've gotten to the point that I am afraid to believe in anything; dreams, love, trust and happiness.

Last night my sis-in-law (aka my best friend in the world) told me that I don't let people get close to me, that I don't confide in people and that while I do with her (umm...mostly), it took 8 years. So today I have been pondering, and analyzing this as I often do... I realize that she is correct, that I hide who I am because I am terrified of putting myself all in and being hurt AGAIN. [This whole conversation stemmed by the way, because the guy I have secretly crushed on for a few years now, and was really opening up to, demolished my heart by bringing another girl over. His reasoning was that while he loved me, I am too dear to him to mess things up, and that he would have nothing if it didn't last. (he's also sis and bro's bff, and they probably would murder him if we were together and he ended it badly) What he doesn't understand is that I don't see us ending, I've read the cards and believe that while it would be bumpy, it would last] But I digress.

Now don't read this entry as I am a hermit or whatever, I really do have friends. Good ones. I just don't let them see all of me, because I know that something will scare them off, and make them go "She's a freak, let me get the hell away from her." While nobody's ever actually said it that way, I have had friends just abandon me for different reasons. I know that my brand of crazy isn't for everyone, so it's just easier to sit and listen to others while I stay bottled up. This is why I refer to myself as a Watcher. Easier to watch than be watched I guess.

Even as I'm writting this, I find that I'm editing myself so that you, my non-existant readers, (Yeah I know noone is there because I can check the post viewed thingy and there's NEVER been a view on any of these that I write here, LoL) don't get frightened away... Wow it's been over an hour and a half of me writing, stopping, rewritting etc, and it only amounts to this: I know that I'm sad and lonely, and to be happy, I need to open up, but that just isn't something that I know how to do anymore. I think I'm broken, so what should I do?

"Just A Kiss" Lyric Video

Just in case you're listening...

Good Mood Food...

Thinking about a lot of things recently, and I realize that I eat my feelings. (Don't we all?) There are different colors of food for different emotions that I'm feeling. Last night was a Red night. For me, Red is a bad night. There seem to have been a bunch of those lately. I miss having Blue nights, which are really good. I also have been craving Chocolate, and I don't even know what that means, because it's never happened before. (I'm so not a chocolate kinda girl, give me caramel, coconut or straight up sugar and I'm good!) For one of my birthdays in my early 30's, my best friend/roommate made me a coconut cake with coconut icing and used blue food coloring to make the whole thing almost cobalt. That was probably the best cake I've ever eaten :)

I know when I'm starting to get depressed because I crave Big Red and Twizzlers. If I'm happy all I want is a Blue Coconut slushie from Sonic. Angry? I want something spicy, doesn't matter what. I use citrus if I'm anxious, to mellow myself, and pretzels to make myself creative. And as any GOOD Italian I use bread to comfort myself if I'm scared. It's probably a good thing that today if grocery day, maybe if I just buy blue foods I can force myself out of my funk that I've started to settle into.

That's really all I have, just another random thought from the short white girl. Squirrel...

Florence + The Machine - Dog Days Are Over Lyrics

Times they are a changing...

Sitting here watching the fam play Call of Duty: Modern warfare 3.  Not to terribly long ago I would have run screaming from this (mostly from boredom And because I get motion sickness from it), and now I'm tempted to go home to put my very own copy in.  I don't, because I Want to be here for reasons I won't say.
My main problem is not knowing if I should stay or should I go? Grrr... A girl could use a little guidance here.
Oh well that's all for now.

Poor Me, Why Me...

Just when I think that it's safe to check my messages on Facebook and the idiot ex-husband sends me ANOTHER message. If it were me, I would get the hint after I sent someone a message (or 4) and they ignored them, that that person didn't want contact from me. And the topic of this unwanted message? "I heard someone saying that you wanted me back, and I just wanted to know if that was true? I'd like to see you again." My question is do I send a message back and say "HELL NO" (maybe even insinuate that there's someone else) or do I just ignore yet another message?

This has just made me want to shoot people. Guess I'll put COD MW3 back in, and pretend...

Gonna Get Over You

Just a little me being me. Blah blah blah, I should probably start off by saying it's been a long time since I posted, but if anyone actually follows this, you already know that...

Yeah so it's a cold rainy Wednesday and thoughts of the potential are trampling through my head. If someone could just explain guys to me, maybe I wouldn't feel the way that I do. For example if you know that they like you, and they know that you like them, then WHY won't they say something?? (I get outside circumstances, I really do. Even knowing what those are, I'm good, they don't bother me...) Of course this wouldn't matter if I wasn't as awkward and old fashioned in the thoughts that a guy SHOULD make the 1st move, and I was able to not be freaked out by the thought of screwing stuff up AGAIN. I do not have a good track record to say the least. :(
And that just leads me to the whole maybe I should just give up, trying isn't working, and I've almost gotten used to being lonely and single. Who knows maybe I can survive as the crazy pet lady after all. Ok that's enough. I have to get back to work, and thinking just makes me crazy at the moment.

"And no and then..."

As has become my way, I seem to only blog when I'm stuck here at work on 3rd shift. So I truly, honestly apologize for the the upcoming rant... Bob quit almost a month ago, and Tim has only now started the training process on Bob's replacement. That has meant 3rds for Dana AGAIN. This probably wouldn't bother me as much as it does, except that he continues to schedule me for the 1 night a week that I have begged him not to work me on. (SUNDAY) After seeing next week's schedule what should I find, Yep Sunday and Monday night. This will make 3 of the past 4 Sundays that I will have worked 3rds---PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE job fairy, I have put in a multitude of applications, please find me a job.
At this point even working in the food industry sounds good, don't get me wrong, I actually do like my job, and even like what I do. The major kink in the chain is the manager and his scheduling abilities. I've preached for WEEKS that he needed to hire backup help for nights/weekends and his response to me was that he "was actually overstaffed, I just need people to actually do their jobs and work" We have 1: 1st shift person (me), 1: 2nd shift person (Brooke), 1: 3rd shift person (Anne), 1: assistant manager who also covers 2nds weekdays and 1sts on the weekends. We do have 3 people that float, but it is all for 2nd shift (1 that works maybe 1 night a week, 1 that works maybe 2 nights a week and the 3rd 2-3 nights a week). No backup on 1st or 3rd. I was hired as 1st shift, weekdays. I also knew that occasionally he'd have to put me on a weekend or so, and that holidays were included. I accepted THAT job. I don't mind working holidays, I don't mind working the occasional Saturday or Sunday MORNING, but this has reverted back to the bullshit of work 1st 3-4 days after working 3rd 1-2 nights. I did it for 4 months when Regina quit and about a month when Whitney quit. Tim seems to forget that every time someone quits.
I know I'm just bitching, I should be ecstatic that I even have a job, but I really do not see me being able to pull this for much longer. I'm just exhausted. Even my insomnia has said "fuck this, I'm out" and I seem to be doing nothing but sleep when I'm not at work.
I'm going to stop there, I've turned this into a pity me party and I realize that I'll look back at this in a few weeks and probably delete it, but sometimes it just feels better to get it off my chest.
That is all...

Of the Century---Again this is just me Ranting

Here at work, listening to CNN (At least it's not Headline News anymore, I got so tired of listening to the same story 2-3 times an hour for 4+ hours). Evidently today there's not enough local newsworthy news so all that they're talking about is the Royal wedding. The newscaster just called it the biggest event of the century. For some reason that just irked me. It makes what happened Sept 11 2001, Katrina, BP's oil spill, Obama (1st black president) or the multiple tsunamis/earthquakes (including a potential nuclear meltdown threat) seem not as important. Grrrr.

Don't get me wrong, I will dvr whatever channel is broadcasting the wedding at the asscrack of dawn. (I'm not as obsessed as a few of my friends) I realize that it is a monumental event because he is the future King of England, but to call it the "Event of the Century" is just wrong. Not to mention that we're only 11 years into the century, it just seems a little early to classify it as such.

Ok that's enough of my rant. I know it's silly, but it really did piss me off to hear her say it with such conviction.

Been awhile

Just realized that I've been neglecting my blog. While this is just going to be a small note, I wanted to check in.
I seriously hope that tomorrow is a better day!