Yep, one of those nights...

Once a pony time, in the land of the broken-hearted, there was a lonely girl.

I'm not sure if I've always hidden who I really am, or if this is something that happened over the past few years, but the truth is that I am lonely, and have been for a really long time. I've gotten to the point that I am afraid to believe in anything; dreams, love, trust and happiness.

Last night my sis-in-law (aka my best friend in the world) told me that I don't let people get close to me, that I don't confide in people and that while I do with her (umm...mostly), it took 8 years. So today I have been pondering, and analyzing this as I often do... I realize that she is correct, that I hide who I am because I am terrified of putting myself all in and being hurt AGAIN. [This whole conversation stemmed by the way, because the guy I have secretly crushed on for a few years now, and was really opening up to, demolished my heart by bringing another girl over. His reasoning was that while he loved me, I am too dear to him to mess things up, and that he would have nothing if it didn't last. (he's also sis and bro's bff, and they probably would murder him if we were together and he ended it badly) What he doesn't understand is that I don't see us ending, I've read the cards and believe that while it would be bumpy, it would last] But I digress.

Now don't read this entry as I am a hermit or whatever, I really do have friends. Good ones. I just don't let them see all of me, because I know that something will scare them off, and make them go "She's a freak, let me get the hell away from her." While nobody's ever actually said it that way, I have had friends just abandon me for different reasons. I know that my brand of crazy isn't for everyone, so it's just easier to sit and listen to others while I stay bottled up. This is why I refer to myself as a Watcher. Easier to watch than be watched I guess.

Even as I'm writting this, I find that I'm editing myself so that you, my non-existant readers, (Yeah I know noone is there because I can check the post viewed thingy and there's NEVER been a view on any of these that I write here, LoL) don't get frightened away... Wow it's been over an hour and a half of me writing, stopping, rewritting etc, and it only amounts to this: I know that I'm sad and lonely, and to be happy, I need to open up, but that just isn't something that I know how to do anymore. I think I'm broken, so what should I do?

"Just A Kiss" Lyric Video

Just in case you're listening...

Good Mood Food...

Thinking about a lot of things recently, and I realize that I eat my feelings. (Don't we all?) There are different colors of food for different emotions that I'm feeling. Last night was a Red night. For me, Red is a bad night. There seem to have been a bunch of those lately. I miss having Blue nights, which are really good. I also have been craving Chocolate, and I don't even know what that means, because it's never happened before. (I'm so not a chocolate kinda girl, give me caramel, coconut or straight up sugar and I'm good!) For one of my birthdays in my early 30's, my best friend/roommate made me a coconut cake with coconut icing and used blue food coloring to make the whole thing almost cobalt. That was probably the best cake I've ever eaten :)

I know when I'm starting to get depressed because I crave Big Red and Twizzlers. If I'm happy all I want is a Blue Coconut slushie from Sonic. Angry? I want something spicy, doesn't matter what. I use citrus if I'm anxious, to mellow myself, and pretzels to make myself creative. And as any GOOD Italian I use bread to comfort myself if I'm scared. It's probably a good thing that today if grocery day, maybe if I just buy blue foods I can force myself out of my funk that I've started to settle into.

That's really all I have, just another random thought from the short white girl. Squirrel...